The Spanish Inquisition

For a long time now, I have been questioning my relationships with certain friends because of the very strange communication patterns that exist between us. One such relationship has basically consisted of me being faced with a barrage of questions whenever we chat (different cities).

This is how our conversation goes...
Friend: "Hey" (he starts)
Me: "Hey"
Friend: "Whats up?" (his first question)
Me: "Nothing much. I'm at work."
Friend: "Whats up with you?" (his second)
Me: "Been busy"
Friend: "Hows work? (its like he has a list of questions by his side)
Me: "Its good" (By now, I've lost interest)
Friend: "How's hubby?"
Me: "He's good" (Lost more interest)
Friend: "What you doing???" (At this point, he's extremely frustrated because I am not doing his answers justice. Also, at this point, I'm not even replying)
Friend: "Why aren't you replying??"
Friend: "Hello??"

Sometimes, in the middle of the inquisition, to return the favor, I say, "How are things with you?"
He says, "Nothing is happening. You tell me...whats up?"

Sounds like fun? Well...its not.

No, I cannot take anymore of this and so I finally stopped communicating with him. This kind of interaction is not fun, nor stimulating, nor friendly.
In fact, it reeks of boredom from both sides.

Friendship is supposed to be fun. And interesting. Its not an interview, for God's sake. I know that after a certain age, you have to make more of an effort to become friends, especially when you live in different cities and so asking questions helps you get to know more. But also after a certain age, you HAVE TO know that offering good conversation is as importing as seeking it.

Another conversation with a male friend has been going like this for almost a year -

"Hey"
"hey"
"Hows things?"
"Cool. You?"
"Good"

How is it possible for things to have come to this state? This is keeping in mind that I have had some of my best conversations with these same friends in the past.

Its possible I'm losing my touch and blaming others. But I don't think thats it because I'm able to have good conversations with a lot of other people.

I just am astounded that conversation between young adults has become so...well, for want of a better word... "lame". Are we so caught up in cryptic phrases that reek of indifference that we can't be bothered to make it count?

Its sad too...we are all so busy that we're not even looking at the quality of our communication. Clearly, we need to! The point is that as friends we're initiating the contact so there is desire to bond. But it stops there. Its sad because as we grow older we need our friends more and more. And life is so much more enriching because of our friends.

I just wish we would all stop acting like we're in a zone and start stepping up and adding something to other's lives!

A little bit of anger never hurt anyone

What shit. What bally shit. Not only do I never get to see love, I also never get to complain that I don't have it, or feel angry about it. No, I have to be peaceful, happy, calm, unassuming, undesiring, non-cynical, AND magically serene. Yup, that's all that's expected of me. Oh, also. I should not change my view of the world as being sucky. No, the world is beautiful, life is miraculous, things fall right into place for people, and everyone lives happily ever after. Thats the truth and this is a fucking fairy tale. Oh wait, I'm also never supposed to look or feel sad. Nope. Its all happy, happy, happy, all the time.

Well guess what, I can't do that. I feel sad and I feel bad and I definitely fucking feel angry. And I want to slap people and I should be allowed to feel this way. Im not hurting or harming anyone am I? I mean, there's a guy who apparently likes me, doesn't have the balls to do anything about it, even though he knows I want him to, but somehow this is my fault. Whats wrong with this picture? A lot, I think.

And anyone who says they understand what I feel? Yeah, you're lying. Its not your fault. You want to understand but you can't. And thats just a fact. So leave it at that. That doesnt mean you shouldn't be nice, you must. But don't for a minute, presume that this is something you "get".

I'm done, I'm so done

So today I have decided to be done. With a lot of things. First and foremostly, I'm done with the game playing I used to revel in earlier. I'm not saying that I didn't enjoy it while it lasted. Just saying that now, it just feels weird. If you have issues that you can't deal with, if you have a rich and dark web of angry emotions welling just below the surface, don't bring me into the picture in the first place. Just because someone seems to be like you doesn't mean they want to get sucked into the sickening twister of weird emotions that you can't handle. This, I decided, after two unpleasant conversations yesterday, with two people I had the highest esteem for. Well, maybe "esteem" is too strong a word. But yes, I did like them. When most of your conversations with another person become about who has the last word, there's really no point is there? I'm not saying that none of it is my fault. I can be mean, too. I tend to be a smart-ass in most of my interactions because its my way of testing people I like. And they seem to like it too. But suddenly its not funny anymore? Suddenly they start getting defensive and biting back? Man, you know what? If you can't take it in, don't dish it out. I REFUSE to deal with "nasty".

I'm also done being afraid to be alone and therefore, rushing to make a decision to spend my life with someone, who most likely, will always be a little hurt by me. Why surround myself with people who are resentful? And why AM I surrounded by people who are resentful? Is it something I'm doing? Must be.

I'm also done with choosing safety and security over freedom. I think they're both mutually exclusive. You can either feel safe, comforted, and protected or you can feel free. At least thats what it seems like. Also, I could easily choose the former (its so much easier) but then, I'm not really giving myself a chance am I? If I choose the latter, it might not be perfect, but at least I'll get to know what I'm capable of. Right? I hope I'm right. Tell me I'm right!

Also, I should probably have had these thoughts when I was 20, not 30 but I guess this is what a quarter-life crisis is!

I stand corrected...

So you see...its time again for a decision (or two).

Again, I stand corrected. I was convinced that this trip...a three week long odyssey to a different country and continent would FINALLY give me the answer I was looking for. Things would come together AT LAST, and my life would MAGICALLY fall into place. But turns out thats not how it goes. Things are still unclear, its still hard for me to make those pesky decisions, and I'm not sure whether I'm closer to gaining clarity or much fucking farther(further?). So, the thing is that its not that one big event spread over a few spectacular days that puts things in perspective. The perspective has to come from somewhere within. Not sure where exactly, but somewhere deep within.

This is not to say that the trip wasn't the best freakin time of my life. It was. The best three weeks I have had in a very, very, very long time. And the week in Costa Rica - definitely the best. Hands down. But that has nothing to do with it.

This is about the other stuff. The complicated stuff that always stays as that - complicated. The thing is, when it comes to making important decisions, there are usually two choices. One is usually easy, comfortable, fun, but may not be the BEST thing for you. The other is tougher, requires a lot more effort, may even be downright uncomfortable, but in the long run, its way way better for you. So the thing is to make that choice. But only when you're convinced that you can stick with it. There can be no going back or "regretting" it. Nope. At this point, if you've gone this far and taken the damn decision, you HAVE TO stick with it. No pressure!

And so...even after all this time and all the things I have experienced, if I feel that I am not ready to stick to my decision, I am just not going to make it. The thing is (and this is the thing), it is way, way, way better to wait eternally, than to jump into something without knowing that its right for you. It may not be right, but it must be right for you.

And so, again, I will take my time.

That feeling of entitlement

I just discovered that there's a reason why we can't deal with our misery. Why we bitch and complain and refuse to accept it when things are not going our way. Its all because of a false sense of entitlement.

Some of us are born thinking we're entitled to all the good things and none of the bad. Well maybe not born with it, but the feeling definitely develops over the years, especially for those of us who've got everything on a platter and not really had to work hard.

And then bam, there comes a time when we're on our own and responsible for our own lives. And thats when things can get messed up, because for most of us, its the first time we're ever really had to make an effort. And then we get angry with the world because oh my God, everything's not magically falling into place like it always has.

Get this...its not going to. Things are going to go wrong because they're meant. You can't always have things work out for you. You just have to suck it up and move on. Because you're not entitled to a good life always...there are bad times and good times. Though you think these are bad times, they're not. You're just being cranky and spoilt. Don't be. This is the time that will shape you and make you what you truly are. So enjoy it...you're not entitled. This is the first time you're having to question your life and thats a good thing. Because...its only when you start to question that you can receive answers that really matter.

Epipheny

I think its called an epipheny... a sudden burst of insight that brings clarity and understanding. I had one a few days ago. I tried to ignore it assuming it was just a temporary flicker of understanding. But it wasn't. It actually lasted. And its making more and more sense.

Literally, up until a month ago, I used to spend a lot of time analyzing and wondering about things -- past, present, and future. I would think about the possibilities or the lack thereof and accordingly feel good or bad. And then when things wouldn't go as I imagined them to, I'd get bummed. I bum easy and when I had built up things in my head, they more often than not, didn't happen, and then I would feel terrible.

However, things have changed yet again. Recently I made a big decision just on a whim. Or rather just because I had decided that enough was enough. Changes were going to happen and I would make them. I have no idea whether its the right decision or not and theres no way to find out. This is when I realized that wondering about it is unhelpful. It came naturally to me to take each moment as it came and eventually figure out whether the choice I made was the correct one. Let me tell you, not thinking about even the next moment is highly effective. Because then, you have no expectations...and as I've come to see...having no expectations from anything or anyone(though easier said than done) is truly the best way to go.

And so...I'm here...doing my thing...taking each day as it comes...not filling up my mind with unnecessary 'what ifs' and 'but ifs'. It works.

Nostalgia

Oh God...I just had the strongest and longest wave of nostalgia. Its so strong it kills me. I just yearn for the place that made me, me. You know how there are some places that you just belong to. This place is mine. Its my city. I love it. I think that also has a lot to do with the myriad memories created there. I mean, I have literally spent the best moments of my life there. As the line goes from one of my favorite movies..."life is not about the breaths that you take, its about the moments that take your breath away". I've had a lot of those moments in this place. And though its better now, sometimes the need to be back there just washes over me like a tidal wave. I get lost in my memories and thoughts of just being there and standing at a particular spot, just taking in the air...especially in winter. So yeah...sometimes life takes you by surprise and takes you away from the place you never wanted to leave. But as a friend of mine says..."its all good". I know it'll be ok. :)