I'm done, I'm so done

So today I have decided to be done. With a lot of things. First and foremostly, I'm done with the game playing I used to revel in earlier. I'm not saying that I didn't enjoy it while it lasted. Just saying that now, it just feels weird. If you have issues that you can't deal with, if you have a rich and dark web of angry emotions welling just below the surface, don't bring me into the picture in the first place. Just because someone seems to be like you doesn't mean they want to get sucked into the sickening twister of weird emotions that you can't handle. This, I decided, after two unpleasant conversations yesterday, with two people I had the highest esteem for. Well, maybe "esteem" is too strong a word. But yes, I did like them. When most of your conversations with another person become about who has the last word, there's really no point is there? I'm not saying that none of it is my fault. I can be mean, too. I tend to be a smart-ass in most of my interactions because its my way of testing people I like. And they seem to like it too. But suddenly its not funny anymore? Suddenly they start getting defensive and biting back? Man, you know what? If you can't take it in, don't dish it out. I REFUSE to deal with "nasty".

I'm also done being afraid to be alone and therefore, rushing to make a decision to spend my life with someone, who most likely, will always be a little hurt by me. Why surround myself with people who are resentful? And why AM I surrounded by people who are resentful? Is it something I'm doing? Must be.

I'm also done with choosing safety and security over freedom. I think they're both mutually exclusive. You can either feel safe, comforted, and protected or you can feel free. At least thats what it seems like. Also, I could easily choose the former (its so much easier) but then, I'm not really giving myself a chance am I? If I choose the latter, it might not be perfect, but at least I'll get to know what I'm capable of. Right? I hope I'm right. Tell me I'm right!

Also, I should probably have had these thoughts when I was 20, not 30 but I guess this is what a quarter-life crisis is!