So you see...its time again for a decision (or two).
Again, I stand corrected. I was convinced that this trip...a three week long odyssey to a different country and continent would FINALLY give me the answer I was looking for. Things would come together AT LAST, and my life would MAGICALLY fall into place. But turns out thats not how it goes. Things are still unclear, its still hard for me to make those pesky decisions, and I'm not sure whether I'm closer to gaining clarity or much fucking farther(further?). So, the thing is that its not that one big event spread over a few spectacular days that puts things in perspective. The perspective has to come from somewhere within. Not sure where exactly, but somewhere deep within.
This is not to say that the trip wasn't the best freakin time of my life. It was. The best three weeks I have had in a very, very, very long time. And the week in Costa Rica - definitely the best. Hands down. But that has nothing to do with it.
This is about the other stuff. The complicated stuff that always stays as that - complicated. The thing is, when it comes to making important decisions, there are usually two choices. One is usually easy, comfortable, fun, but may not be the BEST thing for you. The other is tougher, requires a lot more effort, may even be downright uncomfortable, but in the long run, its way way better for you. So the thing is to make that choice. But only when you're convinced that you can stick with it. There can be no going back or "regretting" it. Nope. At this point, if you've gone this far and taken the damn decision, you HAVE TO stick with it. No pressure!
And so...even after all this time and all the things I have experienced, if I feel that I am not ready to stick to my decision, I am just not going to make it. The thing is (and this is the thing), it is way, way, way better to wait eternally, than to jump into something without knowing that its right for you. It may not be right, but it must be right for you.
And so, again, I will take my time.
1 comment:
So here are my (unsolicited) two cents: I don't know what the nature of the decisions to be made are, but I'm assuming it's not “should I wear the blue one or the green one today?” or “do I want Ethiopian or Thai for dinner”. I'm guessing that they are major, perhaps life-changing decisions with long-term and most likely unclear consequences. And here's the thing: You're never going to “know”, magically or otherwise, not with any overwhelming degree of certainty. You may convince yourself of it at the moment of decision making, but since the outcome of the decision is by nature uncertain (unless you can see the future- I can't), the “rightness” of the decision is also uncertain. We need to be well beyond the point of decision making, the events subsequent to the decision need to play out, and we need hindsight and to put the decision into context before we can determine the “rightness” of it. Your answer as to whether or not a decision was right may also change considerably over time. Your perspective and assessment will change as you change (which we continuously do), as events unfold, and as the consequences of the decision become apparent.
If they do.
The causes and effects of the decisions in our life are so multifaceted that they become nearly impossible to delineate. It would be great if we could trace a nice, simple chain of cause and effect, but only fools with blinders on can claim to do that with certainty and conviction. You have to ignore too many outside influences from other people, accidents, happenstance, serendipity, etc. to arrive at a simple linear progression. We tend to trace negative experiences in a more simplistic chain of causality, usually assigning blame to a certain event, person, etc. for our present unsatisfactory state. Much easier that way, isn't it? Provides some immediate relief. Positive states more often appear to result from confluence of positive events, those times that everything is just going great and we are contented, unless our arrogance leads us to assign all credit to our own brilliance, again ignoring all those other facets of influence.
So what does all this mean and how does it help us make decisions? I have no fucking idea, man. I'm just talking. Well, writing. Spewing forth random thoughts in response to your thoughts, really. And I may have had too much wine tonight.
Anyway, I guess the best we can do is to think about our current circumstances, think about what we TRULY want (not what's expected of us, what we do to please or appease or please others), and project into the future the consequences of prospective decisions and choose from there. Which is just a stab in the dark, really, since we don't know what the future holds regardless of what we choose. So, I guess your just screwed. Sorry. I had intended to help, but I guess....not so much. Not sure why I bother.
Let's turn to other brilliant thinkers for help. I'm going to that great Prince of Lexicographers Ambrose Bierce (forget the O.E.D). Here's what he gives us:
Decide, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.
A leaf was riven from a tree,
“I mean to fall to earth”, said he.
The west wind, rising, made him veer.
“Eastward,” said he, “I now shall steer.”
The east wind rose with greater force.
Said he, “'twere wise to change my course.”
With equal power they contend.
He said: “My judgment I suspend.”
Down dies the winds; the leaf, elate,
Cried: “I've decided to fall straight.”
“First thoughts are best?” That's not the moral;
Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel.
Howe'er your choice may chance to fall,
You'll have no hand in it at all.
Well that clears it all up, doesn't it?
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